Anguish
Anguish
|
|
AnguishBy Amye
The soft quarter-moon reflected over the lone figure standing beachside. Shimmers of moonlight reflected on the water and stretched out like arms to touch upon the pale figure. Yet the gentle waves kept pulling back, not allowing the reflection to fully reach out and touch the blond head of the pensive man. It was a representation of himself, Hutch realized. As his inner glow began to diminish, so did the brightness of his hair. Darkening over the past months, as his spirit was being pulled to the darkness of his existence. Starsky was off with some brunette bimbo he picked up at The Pits, where they'd had dinner with an ecstatic Assistant D.A., the man whom they'd helped to take down Joe Fitch for racketeering and illegal protection charges. While the others were drinking and congratulating themselves, Hutch left early. He was weighed down with the emotions of the case. It seemed like he was doing a lot of that lately -- leaving his friends to go off by himself. So here Detective Ken Hutchinson stood, without his best friend to help him get over the rough patches of not only a bust gone bad -- with the loss of Marian's brother -- but also the guilt of using and abusing the heart of a sad and forlorn lady. He had gotten in too deep and he knew it. He hadn't listened to his partner and forgotten what being best friends and partners was about. No wonder Starsky doesn't want to be around me, the way I treat him. Granted, Hutch thought, Starsky didn't seem to care that Hutch had nearly been beaten to death. Maybe he's tired of me and my moods, too. It is me, isn't it? Hutch determined with dawning realization. I seem to bring everyone, including myself, down. He thought of all the unlucky souls he had come into contact with through the years, but not focusing on the lives that he had touched positively. What had happened to the bold, resolute, and eager young man ready to take on the world of crime and injustice? Where did he go? Was it just this past year that he began to feel disgusted? Not only with the justice system and man's inhumanity, but with himself and his actions. Why had he been such a jerk these past few months? Starsky and he had always teased each other, but lately Hutch knew his remarks and teasing had become hurtful or snarky on occasion. He'd been neglecting his friends, too. Starsky and he, or Starsky and he and Huggy, used to spend many after-hours together, but now Hutch found it bothered him to have his partner underfoot all the time. And that feeling worried him. He didn't want to feel that way. He wanted to be able to hang with Starsky without bringing all the excess into their friendship. So what had changed? Was he some kind of transition? Did he need a change of scenery? Was his lonely and unsatisfying love life affecting his outlook in other areas? Hutch didn't know why his behavior and outlook had changed, and that was worse. Running a hand from the tip of his thinning crown back through the long strands, he thought maybe he should see a professional. God, Starsk would have a field day with that. Not that I don't deserve it. The more he thought about it, the more it became obvious to Hutch that his moods resembled a wasted, burned-out cop. "Am I burned out?" he asked the moon loud, looking up through shimmering eyes. "Not my partner." Startled at the sound of Starsky's voice from behind him, Hutch turned his head jerkily. "What... What are you doing here? I thought you were off with Jane or whatever." "Jeanine," Starkey corrected. "And I'm here because my partner needs me." Simple words, yet with a wealth of meaning behind them. "Besides," the shorter man continued, "I'd rather be with you." Worn blue eyes opened wide. "But why, Starsky? You could be settling in for a nice romantic evening rather than chasing after your troubled partner." "Because you need me." Starskyk repeated. "What kind of best friend would I be to abandon you when you're hurting?" Hutch turned away to face the expanse of water before him. "You're the best friend and partner I've ever had, Starsk. I don't deserve you." Starsky reached up and tentatively put this hand on the back of Hutch's left shoulder. "Sure, you do. Who else would I trust to watch my back on the streets and my eating habits at home?" he joked, hoping to ease the tension in the broad shoulders. The remark went unnoticed by Hutch. "Not much of a best friend, am I? Abandoning you, sniping at you, hurting you... I'm surprised you put up with me." Starsky bit down on the obligatory 'who else will', knowing that such banter would only go unappreciated, but would also serve to deepen Hutch's guilt. Grabbing Hutch by the shoulders, Starsky turned the lanky blond around. "Hey, Hutch, what's bothering you? Is it me?" "Just the opposite -- it's me. I think... I think I want out, Starsk. I'm no good to you anymore." Shaking Hutch's shoulders, Starsky's face turned grim. "Stop talking shit, Hutchinson. I need you out there. And I need my best friend back, too. So, snap out of it." Haunted blue-gray pools looked right through him. "How can you trust me? I wouldn't blame you if you wanted another partner after the way I've been treating you." "Damn it, you stupid, big blond! I don't want another partner. If you think you can't handle the job any longer, then I don't want to, either. I can't -- I won't do it without you." "How can you mean that? You live for this job, for the action." "It doesn't mean nothin' without you there beside me, fightin' the good fight." Starsky smoothed the front of the tan jacket that Hutch had tightly wrapped around him. "I promise, Starsk, I'll straighten up. I don't like what I'm feeling or where I'm going right now, but I promise I'll try to fix it." "Hutch, do you think you're the only one with questions or who worries that he's losing it? Don't you think I've had similar problems? Remember Emily? And how about the way I treated you after you got shot? I was so guilty for not getting there in time to cover you, that I spent most of the time away from the hospital, not wanting to see the blame you must've had for me." "Aw, Starsk, I didn't blame you. It happens sometimes -- we get caught up in a case and forget other responsibilities. Or we get involved personally, even though we know we shouldn't. And getting shot's part of the job." Stopping, Hutch came to the realization that what he'd just told Starsky also applied to him. A sardonic smile came over his face, and he brought up his right hand to ruffle the head full of curls in front of him. "You think you're pretty darn smart, don't you?" Grinning widely, teeth gleaming in the light, Starsky winked. His partner elbowed him lightly in the side and Starsky knew Hutch's anxiety was lessened. The playful jibes felt good. Then Starsky got serious again. "I'm not gonna say everything's great, everything's okay, Hutch. It's been a rough year. Last year had some bad moments, too. Everything's not going to go back to the way it was. Some things'll never be the same." He paused and dug a toe in the sand. "And it's okay that we spend some time apart. Hell, our partnership's kinda like a marriage. We spend every waking moment together, and soon we'll want a divorce." "You know, Starsky, I really am sorry for my behavior these last few months. Maybe I'm just getting fed up with everything and need a break." Starsky thought about that for a moment. "Hey, I know! We've got some vacation time coming. Why don't we plan to spend two weeks at some beach just taking in the sun and women?" Hutch jumped eagerly at the invitation. "When?" "I don't know. It'll probably have to be in June. Lots of guys with families are taking time off in July and August. So how about it? You think June'll work?" "June? Sure. I'll check around and make some plans." Glad to take his mind off his troubles, Starsky still wasn't up to trusting his partner with their vacation plans 100%. "Uh-uh. Not without me, you don't. You'll have us eating tofu, sushi and seaweed, and doing nothing but hiking and jogging. I want to relax on the beach and check out the sights." Their smiles reached across the gulf between them and began bridging the gap that had formed this last year, erasing the rest of the tension as the two best friends began to make their way back to each other. Stopping at the Torino on the way back to his car, Hutch turned and faced his best friend. "Starsk. Thanks." For being there, for being you, for not giving up on me. He couldn't say the words aloud, and he knew it wouldn't be necessary. A light punch followed to his arm. "Sure, babe. Anytime." Whenever you need me, babe. Whenever I need you. The End |
Copyright © 2005
Parker Center Playground
|