I wasn’t told right away, ‘cause I was barely awake.  I don’t remember much from that first evening, like opening my eyes and seeing my Ma and thinking that it must be bad if she flew out here to be with me.  Other than that I don’t remember much.  The next day, though, will stick in my mind forever.  Again, Ma was by my bedside when the bothersome nurses woke me up to do some of the most humiliating things.  I’ve been through it before, when Gunther’s hit went down, and that’s the worst part of staying in the hospital – the morning routine the nurses put you through.

After the nurses were done and the curtain pulled back open, I realized that something seemed off, ya know?  Anyways, I asked my Ma what happened and how long I’d been there, I mean I knew I was shot in the leg, but that was all I remembered, other than some fuzzy ideas of steak and a warm fire….and bears?  But something was wrong; something was missing.

She said I’d been unconscious four days.  Then I remembered Hutch and asked where he was.  Usually when we’ve both been injured they put us in the same room.  But maybe he didn’t need to stay in the hospital.  Ma didn’t answer my question, nor did she look at me.  I was thinking that the big lug probably went home to get some rest.  The Blintz can wear himself out takin’ care’a me.  Not that I didn’t appreciate it.

That’s when she got up from her chair and told me that Cap’n Dobey was waiting for me to wake up.  I grimaced and mumbled something about his love of paperwork, thinking he wanted to get my statement.

But when the Cap’n came in, I could tell somethin’ was wrong.  The big man usually strides confidently, even when he’s trying to be casual his aura is brisk and business–like.  Not that morning.  His shoulders were down and his hang-dog look was worse than a basset hound’s.

Looking back and forth between the two I knew something was wrong.  Searching deep inside I realized what was missing – the other half of me – and my heart clenched.

“Hutch”  I gasped out, my throat clenching.

Ma grabbed my hand while Captain Dobey explained what happened.  How my partner was so intent on getting Linda and me outta there and getting me help that he neglected to protect himself.  How he didn’t suffer.  How he left just as I was waking up.  How he wasn’t alone, that Huggy was with him.

But I didn’t wanna hear any details – I wanted Hutch.

My mind froze, refusing to believe it, but my heart knew it to be true.  No more pats on the shoulders by those large hands; no more bright smiles with twinkling eyes laughing at my jokes.  No more cracks about my car and eating habits.  No more ‘me & thee’, only ‘me’.  The Magnum he carried was now as silent as the room I was lying in.  I passed out.

I don’t remember much else about that day.  I know that at some point the Hutchinson’s stopped in to see me, and Ma was with me all day and night.  Ma said she’d stay with me for awhile.

That was a couple of days ago, and yesterday was….well it was hard.  Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do next to burying my dad and Terry.  And that’s all I wanna say about that.

So now I sit here waitin’ for my ma and Edith Dobey to take me home.  She and Ma seemed to hit it off real well.  Ma doesn’t drive; there’s no need for it back in the old neighborhood.  So Edith said she’d take us anywhere we need to go until my leg heals.  That’s nice of her and all to offer, but where do I have to go without….?  It’s not like I’m dating anyone at the moment and even if I was, I don’t think I’d be a lot of fun right now.  Ma wanted to take me somewhere else, like down to San Diego or somethin’, but I needed to be in Bay City.  Near Hutch.

I’m kind of afraid to leave here.  It’s like a cocoon ya know?  The safety and security of the white walls.  The monotony of the daily activities of the hospital personnel.  Terry, where are you?  You said you’d be here when I needed you.  Hutch was with me when you left; I need you now to help me get though his.

The doc says another week off the leg and then I’ll start therapy.  I should be able to go back to work – desk duty, of course – after next week.  In the meantime I’m to rest and see a shrink.  The shrink is who’s makin’ me right all this down.  Dobey said I have to see one before I can come back.  It’s required of all officers who lose their partners in the line of duty. 

Mr. and Mrs. Hutchinson are leaving today too.   They paid for “Ken’s” apartment for another two months so that would give them and me time to clean it out.  I’m gonna take most’a the jungle, except for some plants that his sister wants.  I guess I’ll have to do some cleaning up and rearranging around my place to make room for ‘em.  That’ll give Ma and me something to do over the next week.  She’ll have to go shopping too since I don’t have much in the house to eat. 

It’s been a week since Hutch left.  I haven’t done much these past few days, cleaned some room off my shelves for the jungle.  I would’ve stayed inside my apartment the whole time except Ma and Edith Dobey made me get out.  We didn’t go nowhere special.  To the park every day and once we went to a movie.  Ma finally went home today, even though she was still worried about me; but I told her to go that I’d be fine, that I need to move on by myself. Doc says it’s time to start building up the strength in my leg, so I started PT today.  After PT Huggy and I went over to Venice Place.

It was hard walking in there.  The plants had already been removed and it seemed so empty, so devoid of life.  The sun was streaming in through the blinds, creating slices of light on the floor and furniture, but it wasn’t in solace.  It revealed the emptiness of the place, which was reflected in my heart.  I stood there for a minute or two, Huggy right behind me in the doorway.  Finally he took me by the arms and led me over to the couch.  I sat there on Hutch’s couch with my head between my legs ‘cause Huggy thought I was gonna faint I went white too fast.  I knew I could only handle a little at a time and Hug knew it too.  He went to the kitchen and got me some water.  I wanted, no needed, something stronger, but he said, “not while I’m trippin’ on meds”. 

After getting me a glass of water, Huggy took a couple of trash bags into the kitchen to start going through food and stuff.  I felt better after a few moments but I couldn’t move.  Hug offered to take a couple of boxes into the bedroom for me so I could sit on the bed and go through Hutch’s clothes for the Salvation Army.  I told him I couldn’t, not yet, once his clothes and personal items were packed, then it’d be too real and I couldn’t deal with that yet.

I guess I wasn’t much help to Huggy today.  I wandered around the empty deck, went through a few drawers.  Looked through the Blintz’s music and took some of that and his guitar home.  We took the mail with us to give to Hutch’s attorney.  It was like Hutch knew I couldn’t handle taking care of his assets if something happened to him, so he got some young attorney to handle his estate.  Thank God, ‘cause I think he was right.

We stopped at the cemetery on the way home.  I wanted to put something personal there, even though the headstone’s not in yet, so I brought a picture of us from his photo album.  Again, Huggy stood back while I had my private conversation.

Hey Blintz – it’s me, Starsk.  That was stupid.  You probably already know it’s me.  Um, sorry I haven’t been back sooner, but I’ve been off the leg for awhile.  I, uh, I’m sorry I wasn’t with you.  I’m sorry my hurt leg got you killed.  I know we never really got to say good-bye, and I’m sorry for that too.  This isn’t good-bye, but ‘see ya soon’.  I know what you’re thinking and no I don’t mean anything by ‘soon’, but we never really know what fate has in store for us; and we never know how long we have - as you obviously know by now.

I’m trying real hard to cope and I think I’m doin’ okay.  I don’t know how I’m gonna deal goin’ back on the streets without you.  Hell, I haven’t even decided if that’s what I wanna do.  I, uh, took some of your jungle – I promise I’ll take care of ‘em, talk to ‘em and stuff.  Oh, and I got your guitar too.

Huggy’s here.  I think he wants to say something, but he let me go first.  I brought you a picture so you won’t be lonely.  Don’t forget about me up there.  Find Terry and Gillian, and watch over me, all of you.

I didn’t know what to do with the picture, so I stuck it in the ground around the laid-out edge for the headstone.  Then I let Huggy have a turn talking to Hutch.  I have no idea what he said - neither one of us talked much on the way home.  I forget sometimes that Huggy lost a friend too and it’s just as hard on him.

That was my first night alone.  I couldn’t handle sleeping - it was too quiet.  So I got up and ignored my doctor’s advice and poured me a scotch.  I know, I know, alcohol’s supposed to be off limits while you’re on medication.  But no medication can block the pain in my soul.  The scotch didn’t do much to help either.

Tomorrow I got an appointment with Doc Mitchell – that’s the department shrink, and I know he’ll ask if I’ve been writing down anything.  So I guess I better write something down today.

It’s been two weeks now and tomorrow I’m supposed to get clearance to go back to work on desk duty.  I know Captain Dobey’s been chomping at the bit to get me back, being that he’s so short-handed he’ll take any officer he can get.  Guess he don’t mind havin’ a detective with a bum leg and a poor attitude.  ‘S long as he don’t make me join with another detective.  Not yet, I can’t handle that yet.  And besides Doc Mitchell says I’m not ready for another partner.  I can’t picture anyone else beside me bringing down the bad guys other than Hutch.

I’ve spent most of the past two weeks at home doing nothing.  Huggy’s taken over cleaning out Venice Place and shipping things to his folks.  I can’t handle bein’ there.  I did tell him not to touch his clothes and personal stuff.  I’ll go soon and help him with the bedroom and bathroom.  God give me strength.

Hug keeps tryin’ to get me to go out.  But once I get outside and watch the world go by and how life goes on - I’m afraid I don’t handle it well.  It just doesn’t seem fair.  Even the beach, which used to be a great place for me to relax and have fun, is too painful.  The beach was Hutch’s favorite place – after that greenhouse of his.  And seeing the sunlight on the sand makes me think of his blonde hair.

Doctor Mitchell keeps trying to get me to talk about what I wanna do when I’m fully released for duty.  He also wants to keep talking about “how I feel”.  We talk about Hutch a lot, but mostly it’s memories.  I’m trying, I really am.  So he told me to write down what I miss most about Hutch.  Hell, I miss everything.  His strong hands as they held me or a beautiful lady or his Magnum.  They held each of us differently, but the strength behind those fingers was the same.  I miss the way his eyes glowed when he was angry.  I miss his deep voice scolding me for eating a burrito for breakfast.  I miss playing pool or basketball or Monopoly.  God, Monopoly.  I don’t think I’ll ever play that game again.  It holds too many bad memories.  I miss the way he looked at an attractive woman and the way he could seduce them with his voice and those intense eyes.  I miss my best friend, my partner, my lifeline.  Who’s gonna take care of me now?  Hutch was there when Terry died, he kept me sane.  Who can do the same for me now?

Sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve written in you.  I’ve been, uh….busy.  Back to work now full duty.  Dobey put me with a green-behind-ears pup.  Name’s Abraham Johnson; says to call him Abe.  He’s nice and all, but he ain’t…he ain’t Hutch.  I can’t even call him my partner.  Every time Captain Dobey refers to him that way, I cringe.  I know I do, but I can’t help it.  Anyway, he keeps trying to get me to go out after work, but I can’t do it.  I’ve gone out once or twice with Simmons and Babcock.  I even ventured to Huggy’s.  Got totally smashed and Huggy had to drive me home.  The memories were thicker in the air than the cigarette smoke.  The pool cues screamed for Hutch’s caress.  Anita was there; she could barely talk to me.  She always had a thing for Hutch.  Every time she looked my way, I could see the sadness in her pretty brown eyes and on her face.

I’m still seeing Doctor Mitchell even though it’s been over a month.  To make sure I’m adapting okay he says.  I guess it’s protocol or something.  But I only go every other week now, unless I feel like seeing him more.  Seeing him more – hell I don’t wanna see him at all.  That’s what reminded me that I hadn’t written in here in awhile.  And while I don’t like goin’ to the shrink, I do think he was right about this writing business.  It’s like a purging for me.

Me and Abe’ve been working together now a couple of months.  We’re past the awkward stage and feel more comfortable around each other.  We’re starting to click better too on the job.  I finally got up the courage to go out with him one night.  I wanted Huggy to go too, but he didn’t think I was ready to handle that yet; so Abe and I went to the Jolly Roger and had a few.  Turns out he’s a lot like the Blintz.  College educated, good family, speaks fluent Spanish, and learns quickly.  He’s gotta new wife – I didn’t know that – who’s a sales clerk at O’Neill’s Department Store.  They’re saving to buy a house before they have kids.

When I told Doc Mitchell, he said that he thinks I’ve been doing well.  I don’t have to go see him no more – unless I want to.  I was outta that chair so fast I almost forgot to thank him.  Until I reached the doorway.  I paused and turned around and when I did thank him it was sincere.  Writing it down made me realize how I did need him - I just didn’t know it at the time.  But don’t tell anyone I said that, I don’t want them thinking I’m a head case.  I think I’ll continue to write in here.  It feels good.  I can write down here all about Hutch and our friendship.

I haven’t been back to the cemetery but once.  Then Huggy called the other day and said his cousin was done with the headstone.  It’s funny – all these cousins yet Huggy’s never once mentioned Aunts or Uncles.  They supposedly installed it yesterday.  I think I’ll go down there tomorrow after work.  Don’t want Hutch to think I forgot about him even though I could never forget the best friend I’ll ever have.

Shit what a day!  My hands are still trembling so bad I don’t know if I can get this all down.  But I have to unless I make myself crazy.  If I write it down, I can forget it – otherwise I’ll keep thinkin’ ‘bout it.  Thinkin’ about that body laying in all that blood.

It started off as a 211 at a liquor store with hostages and one possible death.  Me and Abe were called along with my one-time partner Meredith and Bailey, two Black & Whites, an ambulance and the coroner’s team.

Abe and Bailey went around the back while Meredith and I flanked the front and the four patrolmen kept the crowds at bay and tried to contact the perps inside the store.  We threw in some smoke bombs and fired a couple of shots in the air - the signal to Abe and Bailey to move in.  But it turns out the perps had positioned themselves down and had kerchiefs over their faces, so they didn’t go down the way we were hoping.  Gunfire erupted and I could tell from the sounds that none of them were from my par..partner’s (okay got it down) Colt.  I was thinkin’ I’d lost another one.  Eventually Meredith crept to the left side of one of the perps without him noticing her and took down his gun arm.  The other one had a woman held against his front with his arm across her neck and a gun to her side.  Abe came out from the back and was able to creep up on him from behind while I slowly walked toward the two.  Abe took down the perp while I grabbed the hostage.  It was a swift, coordinated effort.  One that me ‘n Hutch did all the time without thinking.  And without thinking, as I stuffed my gun back into its holster, I patted Abe on the shoulder and said something like “Good one Hutch.”  Man, the look on Abe’s face.  I apologized, and he accepted, but I could tell it bothered him the rest of the afternoon.  Then I went over to Meredith, she was near the front corner of the store.  She was bending down over the dead man.  I took one look at that body and almost passed out.  It was a male, maybe 40, light blonde hair, tall, and I swear he was staring up at me through light blue eyes.  He even had on a flannel shirt with a white t-shirt underneath.  The blood beneath him and the ragged wound on his chest indicated he’d been shot from behind and the bullet crashed through his body exiting just under the left collarbone.  It was too much like Hutch.

When Meredith looked up at me, her face dropped.  I knew what she was thinking.  While she didn’t know Hutch real well, she did know what he meant to me.  She had even come over and helped me after my Ma left.  She’s a good friend and I have special memories of our time together.  Well, she led me away and took me to Abe’s car and told him to take me home; she’d call Dobey.  In the car Abe was quiet except for one whispered line about how he’ll never be able to replace Hutch and I’ll never get over havin’ anyone else for a partner.  He’s right you know.  I know Captain Dobey couldn’t cope with another partner after Elmo was killed, so how could he think I could handle working beside anyone but my Hutch?

Though I know he was still hurtin’ Abe stayed at my place to have a beer to make sure I was okay.  That’s the kind of guy he is.  That’s the kinda thing Hutch would’ve done.  He’s too much like Hutch.  I don’t know why the Cap’n stuck us together, unless he thought working with Abe would ease my mind when I was on the streets.  Maybe I should ask Dobey for another partner.

Oh shit.  I forgot I was supposed to go to the cemetery today.  I promised Huggy I’d check out the headstone and give him my opinion.  The Hutchinson’s actually picked it out; I don’t know what they ordered.  Well, I’m not ready to let go of this bottle yet, so I think I’ll take it along with me.  It will be like old times, me and the Blintz getting smashed.  Well, sorta.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Damn I said to myself, putting down his journal.  That’s where it ended and that’s what happened next when I found him that evening down by Blondie’s grave.  Him gettin' smashed.  A bottle in hand, leaning against the big-ass stone Hutchie’s parents got for him.  They never knew how to give a lot of love, but they sure knew how to give a lot of things.  The headstone’s gray granite with his name Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson, 1947-1981 engraved.  Nothing major- no words of encouragement, no phrase about his life.  But what’s unusual is there’s a carved likeness of him in the upper right hand corner.  The blonde hair was etched lightly and the eyes seemed to twinkle with the sparkle of the stone, looking outward from a tilted profile.  It was carved from a picture about four years old.  Starsky picked it out; it was one of his favorites.

So’s I found Curly leaning against the left side of the stone talking to the likeness of Blondie.  I noticed the bottle in his right hand would go up to his lips and then he’d tip it down and let a little dribble into the grass.

He was hurtin’ bad, I could tell.  When I ‘proached him, he looked up at me all confused and wanted to know what I was doin’ there.  I told him I was cruisin’ for a date.  That didn’t go over too well, so I reminded him that I was gonna meet him here to take a look at Hutchie’s fancy new marker and make sure Josh did ‘im justice.

“Almost like the real thing.” He said as he brushed his fingertips against the visage of our lost blonde brother.  I agreed and we sat quiet-like for a few.  I asked him why he was wastin’ good booty on the ground.  He said he didn’t want to drink alone.  Then Starsky starts goin’ off on some tangent ‘bout all my cousins.  Man he was tripped up.  So I pulled him up by the arms and started leadin’ him away and you know what he did?  He went all bonkers on me about steppin’ on Hutch.

I looked around in the dimming light for his cherry-red carriage and didn’t see it.  Turns out the man took a cab with the intention of gettin’ smashed.  When I asked him how he planned on getting home, he mumbled something about sleeping over Hutch’s.  I think he meant the cemetery and not Venice Place too.  So I took him home with me where I could keep my eagle eye on him.

You see what Starsky didn’t say in his little journal is that he’s been drinkin’ quite a bit.  Me bein’ a proprietor of the alcohol trade, I can tell when a person’s on the fast lane to the edge of town.  And Starsky was on his way there without the help of his car.

Ever since his Mother left, he’s been sneaking drinks.  Not at work – the Marshall’d never put up with that and Dobey’s one smart dude.  Curly’s been hidin’ it well.  But he can’t hide it from moi.  So this bear took him home to his cave until hibernating season was over.  I called Dobey’s office, but he weren’t there, so I took a chance on the lovely Meredith.  She knew Starsky well and I knew I could trust her.

Once he woke up, the brother was mad.  But then he calmed down and realized he didn’t want to be alone.  That’s probably why he was slurpin’ the joy juice on the side.  Blondie was usually with him all the time, except when he was with a lovely.  He ain’t never really handled bein’ alone.  First his family in NY, then his Aunt & Uncle in CA, then ‘Nam, The ‘Cademy, and Hutch.  And now that Captain America’s gone to fight with the angels, he’s alone.

Now, I can say that my white bread brothers and me were real close, but not like the two were with each other.  I ain’t never seen two white boys as close as them unless they were hanging from a different branch of the tree, if you know what I mean.  But it weren’t like that.

Getting’ some food into him and talkin’ to the Marshall was my first priority.  I told Starsky this wasn’t like the last time he holed up in my cavern, where he was a prisoner as much as Hutch.  He was free to go wherever he wanted, ‘cept work as Dobey put him on leave, but he was stayin’ with me for awhile.  Meredith came over most evenings and we broke bread together, the three of us.  But no booze for any of us.  Didn’t want temptation gettin’ in the way.

After a week, I made him go home a couple of nights.  Slowly work his way into gettin’ used to being alone.  Took ‘bout a month.  By then he was back at work and in a different job.  No more streets for him.  He lost Helen, Terry, Hutch, and almost hisself out there.  His heart just wasn’t in it.

He pretty much stopped drinkin’; though he would have a few with some of his fellow boys in blue once in awhile.  The problem now was that he refused to visit or talk about Hutchie.  He started goin’ up the River Denial.  He’d get mad and slam or throw whatever he was holdin’ whenever someone mentioned moving on.  Didn’t go visit Blondie either.  And whenever anyone talked about Hutch, he walked away.  He was broodin’ something awful.  No more jokes, scaring away my waitresses.  In fact, I don’t think he mentioned the word “died” once in this here journal.  I finally hollered at him and told him he wasn’t the only one hurtin’; the only one who’d lost a good friend.  And I couldn’t keep proppin’ him up ‘cause it was wearin’ me down.  I needed to deal too.

Eventually, Hutchinson seniors called and asked if the apartment was vacated.  I was at Starsky’s when the call came down.  He froze up and gave me the phone to finish the discourse.  I told them that the headstone was superior and they needed to come out to see the work my cuz did for them.  Then I explained that Starsky was still havin’ a rough go of it, but that apartment was almost empty; exceptin’ Hutch’s bedroom stuff.  Of course I didn’t call him “Hutch”.  I never thought of him as “Ken”, so it took me a moment to spit it out.  They promised to pay for one more month rent, but after that they were comin’ down if Starsky couldn’t handle it.

I think that may have been what pushed Starsky off the merry-go-round.  No way he wanted them goin’ through Hutch’s stuff.  He said he’d take care of it his next off day, which was this Saturday now that he was on a regular weekly Joe job.  I made a mental promise to be there with him.

Blondie’s pad was stale and dusty.  It felt cold, even with the sun breakin’ through the blinds.  He’d only been gone a couple of months, but it felt like it was years since the place was occupied.  He most definitely was not here.  I’d taken care of cleaning most of the place out by hirin’ one of my cousins who had a cleaning business, but Curly insisted no one was gonna touch Hutchie’s clothes but himself.  I was hopin’ he could handle it, ‘cause I was havin’ a hard enough time without waitin’ for him to collapse.

It took a couple of deep breaths for Starsky to make it over the threshold, but once he was inside he shook off the ghosts like they were sheets on furniture.  At first he wanted to keep everything, but I kept reminding him that there was no way he was gonna fit his short hairy legs and round ass into the long slim pants that Hutch wore.  Besides which, almost all Hutch’s pants were cords and not those crummy jeans Starsky wears.  In the end he ended up with just a few things:  the black & white baseball jacket; a black leather jacket; the denim shirt with the guitar on the back; a flannel shirt; a green shirt; and a couple of sweaters.  Most everything else we put in boxes for the little red bell ringers.  It took most of the day going through the clothes and bathroom stuff.  Hell, Starsky even wanted to keep his brush; sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout puttin’ the blonde hair on it in a necklace.  White dudes – where do they come up with this shit?

I asked Starsky what was gonna happen to all the furniture?  He said that with the ‘ceptin’ the big brass bed, which he was gonna keep, Hutch’s parents were getting rid of the rest.  That was pretty much everything, then.  I doubted Curly would be back, since the bed was gonna be delivered by movers.  I stepped back into the hallway and let him have his moment and his memories.

We went back to the cemetery afterwards.  Starsky trembled all the way from the car to the gravesite.  I don’t know if it was ‘cause he didn’t have no booze or meds in ‘im to help him deal or if he was tremblin’ ‘cause of the pure emotion.  This is the first time he’s been to see Hutch purely sober.  Once again, I left him to be alone with Hutch while I stood back.  Hutchie knows he’s in my heart; I don’t need no special place to talk to ‘im if I’ve a need to.  I think ‘bout all the times he almost bought it and wonder if going through all those events might’ve prepared me for the real thing.  I dunno, or maybe it’s the opposite.  Since he made it through all them other times, it was somethin’ of a shock that he didn’t pull through again.  I guess I expected that the duo would always land on their feet like a cat that’s been tossed out a window.

I took a walk lookin’ at all the fancy, and some not so fancy, markers.  One can learn a lot about folks by readin’ stones.  After ‘bout 15-20 minutes I made my way back to Curly; he was standing there with his eyes closed and a small stream of sunlight beaming down on them dark curls to lighten ‘em up.  There was a look of pure rapture on his face that I didn’t want to upset, so I turned and walked back toward the lane.

I was leaning against my vehicle, eyes closed and thinking about Blondie, when Curly came over and touched me on the shoulder.  “Where’d you go Huggy?” he asked me.  I told him I was thinking ‘bout Hutch.  A wry grin lifted Starsky’s lips, first time I seen that since, oh three months ago.  “Hutch is here Hug.  Where ever we are, he’s with us.”  He looked at me with those large, dark blue pools that could charm away Dobey’s last candy bar.  “He talked to me.”

He’s lost it now; Cabrillo State here we come.  My expression must’ve betrayed my worries, ‘cause he started laughin’ – at me!  I was really startin’ to worry now.  “No, Hug not in here.”  He points to his temple, which I was worried held nothin’ but scrambled eggs.  His voice softened.  “In here.”  And he pointed to his heart.  He told me that as he stood at Hutch’s grave tryin’ to tell hisself that he’d be okay, a light wind caressed his face and he got all warm and fuzzy inside.  He knew that was Hutch and he was telling Starsky that he was okay, which made Starsky at peace with hisself and with Hutch’s death.

I looked at him and saw in them dark blue eyes a moist calm.  We embraced and the tears finally came.  Might’ve been the first time he cried since Hutch died, I dunno.  What I did know was that he’d be okay; he’d never be over Hutch’s death, but he’d get by it and he’d start living again.

2 years later

I forgot all about this journal.  I didn’t realize Huggy had added to it.

Karen and I were packing for our first house – well not countin’ that slag heap I bought years ago – and she came across this box with some of the Blintz’s music, clothes, and other effects; like the half moon necklace.  There were a few photos and other mementos, though most of the photos were in the albums in the living room.  She knows all about the Blintz.  How important he was to me personally and as a cop.  All the things he taught me.  When I first met her and she found out I was a former detective and lost my partner on the job, she made me talk about him.  I thought it would be hard, and it was at first, but it got better.  I still bring him up when I’m reminded of something we did together.  It felt good to tell someone who didn’t know him about Hutch.  How good he was, how beautiful his soul.  She said no one is that perfect.  I laughed and told her he could be moody, uptight, and snobby sometimes too.  But that he was the ideal White Knight – always trying to save the less fortunate.

When we came across the box, I told her I’d never part with it.  She gave me the sweetest kiss and left me to my memories.  Going through this stuff now doesn’t bring tears and pain, but laughter and a little sorrow.  Towards the bottom was this journal.  I don’t remember puttin’ it in there, but I must’ve at some point.

Boy that was a rough time in my life.  Almost as bad as when Terry died.  I’d just lost Hutch an thought the rest of my life would be empty now that both my best friends were gone.  I’d taken to drinking a lot, and alone, which wasn’t good.  I have Huggy, the Dobey’s, and Joan Meredith to thank for helping me through that mess.  Not that I was an alcoholic, but I was fast on my way to becoming one.  But I made it.  It wasn’t easy, but I did it and life did go on and it did get better.

Anyways, shortly after the episode in the liquor store, I asked Captain Dobey for a transfer.  I couldn’t work with another partner no matter how hard I tried.  Being with Meredith again reminded me of how much I like working with kids, so I asked for a transfer to Juvie.  Kinda a cross between a guard and a mentor.  Working through there I met Karen – and you know what – it must’ve been meant to be.  Her last name was Hutchins.  She worked, and still does, in the county works office, a part of Welfare.  If Hutch hadn’t died, I may have never met Karen. She’s a lot like Terry, but with dark blonde hair and green eyes.

We got married a little over a year ago and are now having a baby.  If it’s a boy we’ll name him Michael Kenneth; a girl – Kendra Theresa.  Karen doesn’t mind naming the baby after three important people in my life that I’ve lost.  She’s like that.  Besides, her sister’s name is Theresa.

I’m lucky to have her.  And I’m lucky to have all the people who’ve been in my life.